Joyful Living: Where to Find Love

26

Aug
2015
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment

When it comes to dating, where do you even begin? Maybe when we were in our twenties, the bar scene was the most obvious option. But after you sign on for your first real job and have more responsibilities, the thought of going to a bar to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right might seem less interesting. It is natural when we are in our twenties, to find connections more easily. We tend to be more involved with others at this period of our lives.

That is the keyword: INVOLVED. Because- I know where you won’t meet someone….sitting on your couch! While you might want to spend some time investing in online dating, the majority of your time should be spent socializing and creating friendships with others. The biggest mistake you can make is to just go home every day after work and do nothing. Being single is not a waiting period. Enjoying the friendships and the freedom you have to explore, can lead to more possibilities of making a lasting love connection.

The first step to dating is to get out into the world with a sense of exploration and humor.

Here’s how you open the doors to finding love:

1.Get involved

Think of the activities that you love. Create a list and then find local options for you to do what you love. Love yoga? Start going to a yoga class. If you see a cute man or woman in the class, put your mat near them and make small talk. Joining a social club, running club or any club can also be a great way to grow a new network of friends and possible dates.

2.Consistency to Build Community

Make a schedule that creates consistency. If you are a “regular” somewhere, you are more likely to find someone else that is too. Seeing someone at the same place and the same time, might make it easier for both of you to start a conversation.

3.Give yourself enough time at places

If you rush in and rush out of somewhere, like that yoga class I mentioned above, you miss out on the possibility of conversation with others. Build in “lingering” time into every activity you do. If you look like you are rushing, other people that want to chat with you will think you are too busy and leave you alone. You don’t want that!

4.Get online

After you have spent time connecting and being involved with activities, then get online. Online dating sites can deplete your time and even lead to feelings of depression. Look at it as a supplement to your already busy social life, not the lifeline. The book, DATA: A Love Story by Amy Webb, has some great tips on how to be an online dating PRO.

5.Make eye contact

Looking into someone’s eyes might seem so simple, but eye contact is how humans create intimacy. If you find someone interesting, let your eyes hold for a second or two longer than you might normally do. You might start to feel the electricity just from that!

Let me know how these steps work for you! Find me on Facebook at Joyful Dating!

Breakup Advice You Need to Hear

10

Aug
2015
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment
If you are suffering from the anguish of a break-up, here is a quote you need to hear and really think about:

Breakup Advice

This is a quote from Helen Keller that can relate to so many trials and tribulations in our lives, but is wonderful advice for the post break-up individual. We often lament about the past, often even re-creating it with a rosier glow, and wishing for a different outcome. The more time we spend looking at the closed door (the past relationship), the less likely we are to see the possibilities of the future.

I encourage you to look forward at what doors might be opening for you with the freedom of being single. You may be surprised at all the good you can experience once you let go of the past and move forward with a brave, open heart and mind.

 

 

 

 

Dating Advice: Know Yourself To Find The Right Relationship

08

Jul
2015
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment
BESTAs I work with my clients, I help them find and revel their true selves. During this process, they become able to clarify and embrace their goals for both personal and professional lives and make those “changes” that support their search for a partner who fits best with their lifestyle.
 
“Susan” came to me trying to understand why she just couldn’t find a man who would be stable enough to continue a relationship. As we talked, it became apparent that she was choosing the same type of person time and time again without realizing it. They all had different degrees of personality, education, and career, but, ultimately,  none of those men could sustain the early weeks/months of “behaving well”, so to speak.
 
Susan began to look at her history and reasons why she chose the men she did. We worked to create a profile for her and the man she hoped was out there for her. Not an “online profile” but rather a personal inventory of who she is, what she wanted in life and future goals.
 
It became clear that she sought out men who did not fit her “ personal inventory and dreams”. Once she began narrowing down the type of person she really wanted, she found someone! Her new boyfriend is a better fit better than anyone she previously dated. The result is that Susan is happier because her needs are being met. Together, we continue to focus on what is different this time around.
 
Having that clear vision helps.  Self-discovery is an eye-opening experience, and the rewards are great.
 
The service I provide helps you to figure out what has worked or not worked, who you are, what you want out of life, what your values are, and what you future goals are. Sometimes this also includes financial goals, and if you chose someone with different financial habits, you might find yourself extremely frustrated. 
 
I see many people hanging onto unfulfilling relationships only to experience anger, anxiety and frustrations.
 
As a relationship consultant, who also happens to be a licensed clinical therapist, we will talk through six major points that influence your relationships.
 
Expectations, what are yours, and your partner?
Understanding yourself and who your partner is, is an important factor healthy relationship. We must remember there are differences in outlooks, gender influences and the realization that both our families and our upbringings have had a huge influence on our outlooks on life and relationships. 
 
My relationship counseling will help you understand yourself so that you can pick the right person. Developing the skills to a build healthy relationship is not uncommon. Most of us learned by watching our parents’ or parent’s relationship(s), so we may have seen the red flags, but ignored them. But, by really getting to know yourself you learn to identify the red flags and not ignore them!  I will give you the tools to help you see a positive future, take chances, move forward, and let go of the past.
 
Please feel free to comment, or ask me questions. 
I’m passionate about helping people find a better way to a satisfying and happy future. See you soon!

How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day Without a Partner

04

Feb
2015
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment

joyfuldatingfl.com (1)Valentine’s Day is often looked at as the holiday for dating. Restaurants want you to dine with them on their special menu, romantic comedies premiere, and it can seem like everyone is planning out their day of love.

 

But what to do if you are single? Do you pine away, hoping someone, anyone, will ask you out so that you too can experience the joy of a Valentine’s Day date? Think about it…is this what you want? A date with any Joe Schmoe or Jane Doe can easily become a qualifier for an “America’s Worst Dates” show and seem like the longest night of your life.
Instead, think about how great it is that you are in charge of your date with yourself. You don’t have to sit anywhere and pretend to enjoy someone’s conversation. You can do whatever you want to do. What do you want to do- what makes you happy??? Valentine’s Day is your day to shower yourself some self-love. Do you love flowers? Buy yourself some! I guarantee you will still love to see those flowers on your dining room table even if they didn’t come from a date.

 

Being content can be a product of perception. This Valentine’s Day, begin with feeling content by thinking of three things that you are grateful for and writing them down. Then start the pampering process! A walk through a museum or outside in nature can be deeply soothing and supportive to the bio-rhythms we experience when we feel loved.

 

Call a friend that you haven’t spoken to in a while. Or volunteer somewhere for a few hours. Helping others is one of the best ways to increase your happiness.

 

The point is to celebrate! Plan out your day so that you honor yourself with a sense of love and appreciation. Your self-worth is not linked in any way to having a date. But self-worth is linked to how well we care for ourselves. As John Lennon said,, “There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”

 

Love yourself first and enjoy your very special, totally self-guided Valentine’s Day!

 

Why You Need To Feel Again- Therapy Advice for the New Year

02

Jan
2015
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment

Human beings are hard-wired to “feel”. We need to touch, talk and connect with each other to maintain optimal health, both physical health and mental health. In fact, if babies do not get enough cuddling and love within their first year of life, it affects the development of their brain growth.

Feelings are natural, and yet complex. To feel emotions requires a “give and take”. Sometimes it hurts to feel something. Sometimes it takes great courage to feel and to express what we feel. Sometimes others do not reciprocate our feeling, and that hurts.

To avoid feeling emotions that cause discomfort, we may begin to create barriers for ourselves. For example, we may not talk about our emotions, or be as tender with our loved ones, or we avoid intimacy in a number of other ways.

When we block ourselves from feeling; we are also limiting our ability to feel positive emotions, like joy and happiness. While at first it may seem scary to be so open, but allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable and then honestly evaluating our faults, fears, weaknesses, can offer true liberation.

The Law of Attraction states that what you give out is what you get back. So if you act reserved and closed off, others will mimic that energy. So let the walls crumble, and let your authentic self shine, and others will do the same.

Drugs and alcohol are another way people numb themselves from feeling and fool themselves into thinking this kind of connection is authentic. When you start to accept and understand your feelings, the desire to numb is diminished. Instead, you want to enjoy every blessed moment you have on this planet.

If you don’t even know where to begin to connect with feelings again, I can help. If you have been finding relationships never seem to work out for you, this might the reason. If your conversations with others always seem shallow, I can help. If drugs or alcohol usage is interfering with your life, I can help.

Don’t let another year pass where you hide away. Step into the world and FEEL again. You might get hurt, yes. But you will allow yourself to feel the wonder of closeness, joy and love in a way that nourishes you in every way.

Finding Holiday Joy

02

Dec
2014
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment

FINDING HOLIDAY JOYFinding Holiday Joy

We often see the “marketing” side of the holiday season. The media blasts photos of people happily shopping, cooking comforting foods and doing fun things together. But as a therapist, I know that this isn’t the whole story. I see people that have deep sadness and grief throughout the holiday season as it reminds them of a loved one they are missing. I see people that are crippled by anxiety as they wish to provide presents under the tree. I see people who feel alone. I see people that feel trapped in family roles that they can’t seem to break free from. I see people who have been stressed throughout the year, reach their breaking point.

But before YOU reach your breaking point, let’s try to change the story here. We can make the holidays better, if not even like the marketing geniuses deem it “JOYOUS”. In order to do this, you have to commit to yourself that you are going to tell a different story this year.

It begins with recognizing what exactly are the feelings you are having and why- sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, loneliness, etc. Once you identify your true feelings, here some very broad tips for helping you find your joy this season.

1. Be mindful and focus on the positive

Notice your own tendencies and when you feel out of alignment with “joy”. You can change your interactions with others by slowing down. You can even change your interactions just by focusing on the good and positive. Do more of the good and positive.

2. Set boundaries

Your enjoyment of the season is just as important as everyone else’s. Make sure you are happy too.

3. Help others

Nothing is more grounding than helping people in the community. If you have a service, provide it for free to someone that couldn’t normally afford it. Help at a food bank or something that appeals you. You will be surprised at how energized the body and mind feel after being generous with others.

4. Enjoy the outside

We tend to spend a lot of time indoors this time of year with shopping and eating. Even if your area of the country is cold, bundle up and get some fresh air. Go for a walk and contemplate the beauty of your surroundings. Plant a tree for someone who is not with you this year.

5. Plan a trip for during or after the holidays

It can be a simple weekend away where you get to enjoy a new city or a seaside adventure. Travel opens doors to relaxation and can shift us out of our unhappy states- as long as it is in the budget!

You have to decide that you want your holiday story to be a good one. You may need extra counseling to get through the month- professional or through talking with close friends. But you can do it and you can make this a time of year that feels cozy, warm and joyful.

Four Mantras for a Healthy Relationship

04

Sep
2014
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment

Four Mantras for a Healthy Relationship

The Four MantrasFrom the time we are just teenagers, we come to understand that relationships are hard. We get wounded from cycles of love, from the passion and to the heart-wrenching break-ups. Sometimes we are the one causing the pain while other times we are on the receiving end. Until at some point in our adult lives, we may find the person that we want a long term relationship with, the kind of relationship that fosters growth, acceptance and true love. And then we realize that this too is hard. Feelings get hurt until emotions get pushed deep down inside leading to a relationship that doesn’t feel as fabulous and authentic as it did in the beginning. Thich Naht Hahn, a prolific writer and peace activist, nominated by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for the 1967 Nobel Peace Prize, asserts that there are four mantras that can help build healthy relationships of love. He uses the word “mantra” for these statements because they are not just one-time thoughts, but questions to bring into your relationship over and over again. The key is repetition. The next time you are having some difficulties in your relationship do not suffer in silence. Draw your partner near you and follow the guidance of Thich Naht Hahn:

I am here for you.

How comforting is it to know someone is there listening to you? And do just that- LISTEN. You don’t need to add your perceptions or judgments, just be there.

I know you are there, and I am very happy.

How reassuring it is to know someone is beside you! This comfort will soften your partner and let them know you appreciate them.

I know you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.

How good does it feel to know that someone understands your hurt? Be there with understanding and compassion.

I suffer. Please help.

How hard is it for you to ask for help? Don’t let pride stop you from voicing this need. Even the strongest people need help. These four mantras can lead to a compassionate relationship built on love, openness and honesty. They may help you to go deeper than you ever imagined was possible in the connection of two people. For more relationship counseling please call and schedule an appointment today.

Are Expectations Hurting Your Love Life?

01

Aug
2014
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment

Expectations Hurt Your /love LifeAre Expectations Hurting Your Love Life?

 

Many of us spend a vast amount of our time contemplating this. Married people even let their mind wander down the path of questioning if they have chosen the right mate. Very often whom we think of as Mr. or Ms. Right is more or less perfect. They are perfectly thoughtful, perfectly handsome, perfectly funny, great in bed, and sensitive to our feelings. They have good jobs and are motivated to succeed in all the ways that are important to us individually. These perfect versions of Mr. or Ms. Right are usually a derivative of roles we have seen in the movies or in books we have read. To show the real ups and downs of being in a relationship and all the small ways that a partner is not perfect does not make for a great movie. So, as a therapist who has over 25 years relationship counseling experience, I need to tell you something. If you are looking for love or are unhappy with the love you have, you need to change your expectations. Love isn’t about finding a “soulmate” that will complement you in every way. It is about sharing a life with someone you find agreeable for the long term. Studies show that income and good looks do not have any relevance in lasting relationships.

To begin the process of setting realistic expectations, write and answer the following five questions:

  1. Who am I looking for in a partner? What qualities should he/she possess? Move on past good looks and income, writing down qualities you like about yourself or friends that you value.
  2. What are the values that I possess?
  3. Do I imagine this person saving me, rescuing me, changing my life, possessing values I do not?
  4. What are the health values that I believe?
  5. What are the love values that I believe?

The process of finding a good partner begins with understanding your own values and what you are bringing with you into a relationship. You want someone that is nice and nurtures what is already amazing about you. Don’t look for perfect. If a possible partner or your partner has done something that hurts your feelings or you don’t like, open the door of conversation before you jet out looking for Mr./ Mrs. Perfect again. Psychologists have shown it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone- and that this decision is based mostly on their body language and the tone and speed of their voice. You may be missing out on a perfectly complimentary partner based on the way they said hello and then all the other expectations piled on top of that. Change your expectations and see if there is a more attractive selection of mates in your vicinity.