Joyful Living: Where to Find Love

26

Aug
2015
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment

When it comes to dating, where do you even begin? Maybe when we were in our twenties, the bar scene was the most obvious option. But after you sign on for your first real job and have more responsibilities, the thought of going to a bar to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right might seem less interesting. It is natural when we are in our twenties, to find connections more easily. We tend to be more involved with others at this period of our lives.

That is the keyword: INVOLVED. Because- I know where you won’t meet someone….sitting on your couch! While you might want to spend some time investing in online dating, the majority of your time should be spent socializing and creating friendships with others. The biggest mistake you can make is to just go home every day after work and do nothing. Being single is not a waiting period. Enjoying the friendships and the freedom you have to explore, can lead to more possibilities of making a lasting love connection.

The first step to dating is to get out into the world with a sense of exploration and humor.

Here’s how you open the doors to finding love:

1.Get involved

Think of the activities that you love. Create a list and then find local options for you to do what you love. Love yoga? Start going to a yoga class. If you see a cute man or woman in the class, put your mat near them and make small talk. Joining a social club, running club or any club can also be a great way to grow a new network of friends and possible dates.

2.Consistency to Build Community

Make a schedule that creates consistency. If you are a “regular” somewhere, you are more likely to find someone else that is too. Seeing someone at the same place and the same time, might make it easier for both of you to start a conversation.

3.Give yourself enough time at places

If you rush in and rush out of somewhere, like that yoga class I mentioned above, you miss out on the possibility of conversation with others. Build in “lingering” time into every activity you do. If you look like you are rushing, other people that want to chat with you will think you are too busy and leave you alone. You don’t want that!

4.Get online

After you have spent time connecting and being involved with activities, then get online. Online dating sites can deplete your time and even lead to feelings of depression. Look at it as a supplement to your already busy social life, not the lifeline. The book, DATA: A Love Story by Amy Webb, has some great tips on how to be an online dating PRO.

5.Make eye contact

Looking into someone’s eyes might seem so simple, but eye contact is how humans create intimacy. If you find someone interesting, let your eyes hold for a second or two longer than you might normally do. You might start to feel the electricity just from that!

Let me know how these steps work for you! Find me on Facebook at Joyful Dating!

Four Mantras for a Healthy Relationship

04

Sep
2014
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment

Four Mantras for a Healthy Relationship

The Four MantrasFrom the time we are just teenagers, we come to understand that relationships are hard. We get wounded from cycles of love, from the passion and to the heart-wrenching break-ups. Sometimes we are the one causing the pain while other times we are on the receiving end. Until at some point in our adult lives, we may find the person that we want a long term relationship with, the kind of relationship that fosters growth, acceptance and true love. And then we realize that this too is hard. Feelings get hurt until emotions get pushed deep down inside leading to a relationship that doesn’t feel as fabulous and authentic as it did in the beginning. Thich Naht Hahn, a prolific writer and peace activist, nominated by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for the 1967 Nobel Peace Prize, asserts that there are four mantras that can help build healthy relationships of love. He uses the word “mantra” for these statements because they are not just one-time thoughts, but questions to bring into your relationship over and over again. The key is repetition. The next time you are having some difficulties in your relationship do not suffer in silence. Draw your partner near you and follow the guidance of Thich Naht Hahn:

I am here for you.

How comforting is it to know someone is there listening to you? And do just that- LISTEN. You don’t need to add your perceptions or judgments, just be there.

I know you are there, and I am very happy.

How reassuring it is to know someone is beside you! This comfort will soften your partner and let them know you appreciate them.

I know you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.

How good does it feel to know that someone understands your hurt? Be there with understanding and compassion.

I suffer. Please help.

How hard is it for you to ask for help? Don’t let pride stop you from voicing this need. Even the strongest people need help. These four mantras can lead to a compassionate relationship built on love, openness and honesty. They may help you to go deeper than you ever imagined was possible in the connection of two people. For more relationship counseling please call and schedule an appointment today.

Are Expectations Hurting Your Love Life?

01

Aug
2014
Posted By : Sally Dee 0 Comment

Expectations Hurt Your /love LifeAre Expectations Hurting Your Love Life?

 

Many of us spend a vast amount of our time contemplating this. Married people even let their mind wander down the path of questioning if they have chosen the right mate. Very often whom we think of as Mr. or Ms. Right is more or less perfect. They are perfectly thoughtful, perfectly handsome, perfectly funny, great in bed, and sensitive to our feelings. They have good jobs and are motivated to succeed in all the ways that are important to us individually. These perfect versions of Mr. or Ms. Right are usually a derivative of roles we have seen in the movies or in books we have read. To show the real ups and downs of being in a relationship and all the small ways that a partner is not perfect does not make for a great movie. So, as a therapist who has over 25 years relationship counseling experience, I need to tell you something. If you are looking for love or are unhappy with the love you have, you need to change your expectations. Love isn’t about finding a “soulmate” that will complement you in every way. It is about sharing a life with someone you find agreeable for the long term. Studies show that income and good looks do not have any relevance in lasting relationships.

To begin the process of setting realistic expectations, write and answer the following five questions:

  1. Who am I looking for in a partner? What qualities should he/she possess? Move on past good looks and income, writing down qualities you like about yourself or friends that you value.
  2. What are the values that I possess?
  3. Do I imagine this person saving me, rescuing me, changing my life, possessing values I do not?
  4. What are the health values that I believe?
  5. What are the love values that I believe?

The process of finding a good partner begins with understanding your own values and what you are bringing with you into a relationship. You want someone that is nice and nurtures what is already amazing about you. Don’t look for perfect. If a possible partner or your partner has done something that hurts your feelings or you don’t like, open the door of conversation before you jet out looking for Mr./ Mrs. Perfect again. Psychologists have shown it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone- and that this decision is based mostly on their body language and the tone and speed of their voice. You may be missing out on a perfectly complimentary partner based on the way they said hello and then all the other expectations piled on top of that. Change your expectations and see if there is a more attractive selection of mates in your vicinity.